Negative......story of my life.

**Kinda went on a Rant....Sorry So Long**

Ok, so for those of you that have been following my cycles, you know that 4/1/09 as suppose to be my day to test. Well, woke up on the 1st, and didn't have to go to the potty - for the first time in I don't know how many years. Kinda weird. Anyway, so I didn't take a test. Anyway, Hubby and I talked about it last night, and he didn't want to know this morning, he wanted me to wait to tell him after work. He didn't want to go to work either disappointed, or too happy, to keep his mind on what he was doing that day. (dont want another shot to the nose with a pole - long story).

So, I hung out in bed for a few extra minutes, and went to take it after kissing him goodbye. In times past when I took a test, I couldn't help myself, and would watch the test change. I put the cap on, placed it on the back of the toilet, and got in the shower. When I got out and toweled off, then I looked. NEGATIVE....GAH!!! Honestly, just give us a break already!!

This negative was a bit harder to take. My cycle had been much different than the other ones. My emotions were more 'out-of-control' and I just FELT different, especially the past week (tenderness, exhausted all the time, etc). I tried not to think anything about it, but when it has been this long, you can't help but to have your mind wonder over to that side of the stick. I am a bit past the crying when I see only one line on the dang thing (I kinda plan on it only having 1), but it isn't until later when I relize that in my mind, I was really counting on that second line - even though I told myself not to. Mainly I just get angry. Angry at myself - for being 'broken', pissed at the medicine for not doing its job, and yes - unfortunitly - I get mad at God for putting us through this. Tim and I are good people, we help anyone we can, we live our lives the best way we know how, and we still have this heart ache every month. Once I get past that, then I try to remind myself that eventhough I can't see why we have to go through this, it will make it that much sweeter when I do get those 2 lines.

Then it never fails.... I get to work, and hear about Ms. Yahoo's 17 year old daughter's pregnancy with her 2nd (different daddys-she''s not even graduated yet), Mr. Crabby saying his new baby is keeping them up all night, and he will love it when the kid can sleep all night cause it is driving him nuts (at least you have a cute little baby to keep you up at night). Mr. Whats-his face saying - 'Diapers are expensive, I'm not going to get to go on my trip this year because of it (I want to pay for those expensive diapers - but cant)..... Ms. whatever's son just got his girlfriend of like 3 mths knocked up, so they are going to get an apartment together.

Honestly, do Tim and I need to rack up our credit cards and be in debt up to our eyeballs? Do I need to start back up smoking and drinking again? Do we need to not be responsible, and right in the time that we are not able to care for the baby, that is when we get one? That is kinda what I am seeing out there in the world. I'm not going to, cause we are smarter than that, but that is what it seems like everyone else is doing.

I know people are just trying to comfort, but if one more person tells me that when I quit thinking about it, then it will happen - 'that's what happen to So-&-So' - I am seriously going off the deep end. So-&-So doesn't have PCOS. S&S does not have to count her days to make sure she takes meds on the right day. S&S doesn't need to call their Mom to give her a shot in the arse. S&S doesn't have to get probed at times that are really uncomfortable, embarrasing, and gross. S&S doesn't have 2 ovaries that look like 'Swiss Cheese' on an ultrasound (That is how the DR explained it). If there was nothing wrong with me, then that would be valid. But there is something medically wrong, and I can't just 'not think about it'.

Ok, I think that is enough ranting for now. I am not good with letting my true feelings come to the surface, but I am working on that. A bunch of ladies that are dealing with PCOS blog to vent the feelings they have, and sometimes it helps. So I am trying. I hope people don't think I am whining, but I am just going to try to be real.

Well, Tim and I went to Longhorn for supper, and are watching our Smallville and CSI tonight, so I better get off here so I can watch it.

♥ J